Holy Stomach

31 Weeks, Mother-F***er.

Moments of Fatness

I wanted to make sure that I memorialized these moments before I forget. I've had a few incidents since I got big that are like a sitcom-style snapshot into being gigantic. Humbling--but hysterical.

1. I was eating out of a large bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. I had gotten up to get a drink, and when I went to sit back down on the couch with Jon, that's when things got fat. I can't bend at the waist at all. So to sit, I really have to just position my butt over the seat and fall backward. It's a new brand of trust fall. Except this time I didn't calculate my landing appropriately and sat on the bag of Doritos. And then had a hard time getting up off of them. Jon was sitting next to me, and there was just disgust written all over his face. Nothing like seeing your ginormous wife struggling to get off of the bag of Doritos she just sat on.

2. I wore some maternity pants that I had purchased when I first started showing but hadn't worn in a while. By the time I got to school, they were cutting my circulation off at the waist. So I thought I'd just cut the waistband a little. But, the material was slightly stretchy, so when I cut they then ripped another 2-3 inches, leaving a lovely little slit from my waist to mid-thigh. I had to teach the rest of the day with my shirt self-consciously pulled down to my knees. It was pretty hot.

29 Weeks

Well I had a perinatologist appt. today, and here's the update:

Baby A is 3 lbs. 4 oz. (66th percentile), and Baby B is 3 lbs (46th percentile). Cervix is ridiculously closed, and for as thankful as I am for that--it's looking like I'm working until the bitter end.

One more thing, during the ultrasound, Baby A kicked Baby B. So, Baby B's little hand shot out with her finger pointing at Baby A, like she was letting her have it. Hysterical--the fighting has already begun in utero.

P.S. If you're having trouble deciphering the pictures, Baby A is lying on her right cheek, facing the camera. Baby B is upright with her head cranked over on her left shoulder. Joanna says she'll need a baby massage when she gets out.

28 weeks

How far along?: 28 weeks

Total weight gain: 28 lbs.

Best Moment of the Week: My shower! My friends and sisters threw me the most fun shower at a Mexican restaurant owned and operated by a giant transvestite. It was perfect! I got so many presents; I am the luckiest girl ever. I've had so much fun this week opening everything and organizing it in the babies' room. Here are pictures from my sister, Joanna's, blog: http://talesfromtheskymom.blogspot.com/2010/01/mamacita.html

Movement: I think they have less room in there than before because now instead of kicks, it looks like a fish is swimming underneath my stomach skin.

Belly Button: Officially out. And maybe someone should tell 17 yr. olds that belly button rings cause scar tissue, which doesn't stretch when you're pregnant. So, now the only stretch marks I have on my stomach are from my stupid ring hole. It's still hot, though.

What I Miss: Not having contractions. I'm having non-threatening contractions about 4 times an hour, round the clock. It's weird feeling like your stomach is literally housing a keg: gigantic and hard as steel. And, you can creepy-style see the shape of the baby bodies every time. It is freaky.

What I Am Looking Forward To: We scheduled my c-section today, and it falls on my late father's birthday, so that's pretty neat. April 9th is go time.

Weekly Wisdom: Don't tell a pregnant lady she can't wear leggings to work. My boss should feel thankful that all of my parts are even covered. I only fit in tent-wear now, and there's no way to pull those off without leggings.

Milestones: I'm officially in the third trimester. Nine weeks to go!

Book Shower

I had my first shower last night! This shower was given by the English teachers I work with. In true English teacher style, they threw me a book shower.

I even had a literature themed cake--love it!

And now check out the girls' book shelf. They are already so spoiled.

26 Weeks

Well, I had a little scare yesterday. It was a really pretty, sunny day, and I thought I could manage walking the dogs around the park that's across the street. Apparently not--I started having contractions. They weren't very close together, but creepy nonetheless. When you looked down you could see the outline of their bodies under the skin because it was stretched so tight. So, I had to stay off my feet the rest of the day. That's harder than it sounds. Jon's been working crazy hours, and I'm OCD about the house being clean, and the combo. just doesn't work. Needless to say, I woke up this morning, and the kitchen looked exactly the same as it did after dinner. That's never happened. And, I'm not going to say it was okay. It made me feel sick, and washing dishes that have been left out all night is totally disgusting. Cold, foody water is sick enough to make me immediately clean the kitchen after every meal to avoid it.

So, I went to the doctor and got my cervix checked. That was pleasant. It was like the worst, teenage sexual experience you could imagine. But, thankfully, it was fine--not open a bit. However, as I was lying down on the table, naked from the waist down in butterfly position, the doctor is telling me about something and then starts stuttering. Then he goes, "Sorry, I got distracted." Seriously? You cannot say you got distracted when I'm in naked butterfly position. I'm convinced I have a major grooming situation going on that he just couldn't get past. Oh, and he said he couldn't see evidence of my varicose vein, so that wasn't it. Yes, I told him about it. I was hoping it might get me bed rest. No dice.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

I have a pregnancy-induced varicose vein on my lady parts. Do you understand what I'm saying? A varicose vein (the same thing as a hemorrhoid) on my junk.

I no longer have the will to live.